A touch of longing
by LuminaCarina
Summary: Sometimes, she just wanted to scream, just a little bit, and on even rarer occasions she wanted to rewind time and do it all over again. Maybe not finish the game this time. Stay a little longer this time…


**Disclaimer: I do not own SAO**

**Just a little look into what might have been going on in Asuna's head after her release from Alfheim and reintroduction to the real world…**

She looked around, taking in the colourful sights of the real world. All its smells, tastes, sounds… They were beautiful. Absolutely stunning. Perfect in their depth and simplicity. They were parts of the real world, and nothing would ever be as good as the real world.

She knew that. Of course she did. For so long, she had wanted nothing more than to see it again, to see her parents, her brother, her friends…

But now, somehow, someway… It felt hollow.

It felt like she was someone else, no, it felt like she was the girl she had been before. Before SAO. Before being a clearer. Before Kirito and Yui and Lisbeth and Agil and Silica and Klein. Before everything she had done and lived through and survived, coming out stronger and better for it. It felt… Weak.

Yes, that was a good word. She felt weak. Powerless. She had been a clearer then, Asuna the Flash, wielding her trusty rapier to battles she knew she would win, against monsters that could have killed her a hundred times over, and defeating them. She had been a symbol for everyone in SAO, and she'd loved it.

The feeling of worth, of strength and power, like she could fight 'til her muscles cramped and her body was pulsing with adrenaline, an inch away from death, and still come out on top. She had felt invincible.

And there were friendships, too. Lisbeth first, though she'd met Kirito earlier, and the blacksmith had been her best friend. Agil, with his huge body that towered over her and his shop and the way he bartered with the customers. Klein, the pervert, who asked her out on dates and said stupid things, but would still have Kirito's back in a fight. Silica and her dragon, sweet and naïve and so surprisingly strong. Her friends…

And Kirito. Her friend, her comrade, her husband. The one she trusted most in the world. He had been the one who gave her something to lean on, who provided her with a shadow she would never be able to surpass, who saw her as just Asuna. Kirito had been her everything. Sometimes, back in SAO, she would watch him sleep and wonder about them. Because he was her mental crutch and she knew she would have gone mad with fear and grief and killed herself without him. It wasn't really healthy, she knew, but she couldn't help the way she felt.

And finally, Yui. Her darling daughter whom she'd only had for a short time, but who had brightened up the entire world with her smile. And she looked like their daughter, too. Her own face, soft and round, but Kirito's hair and eyes. Kirito's personality as well. When Yui got trapped as a simple pendant, she thought she would never be happy again. A stupid thing to think. She was happy after that, with Kirito, but it still felt a bit empty. Would she see Yui again? Hear the little girl call her mama again? She didn't know.

All of them, Kirito and Yui and her friends, they were all different now. Still the people she loved, but the real world had changed them. Or maybe changed them back, she didn't really know which.

They watched her differently now. Like she wasn't Asuna the Flash anymore, but Yuuki Asuna, the school-girl. It stung worse than she'd thought it would.

So she adapted. She wore skirts instead of armour, carried a book bag instead of a sword, and she pretended she didn't still dream of sunny days in her cottage on the 22nd floor, where she made spicy sandwiches and Kirito and Yui played outside by the docks.

Maybe it was better this way, she thought, maybe it couldn't have ended any other way.

Or maybe it could've. Maybe she could have still been in her cottage with her family, making sandwiches.

But, they were her friends, and maybe they were right. This wasn't SAO anymore, it was the real world, and who needed rapiers here? Everything got done with words and diplomacy, and despite the fact that she had longed for such a peaceful way of life for years now, somehow, sometimes, she found herself longing for the war-like atmosphere of SAO.

She wondered, rarely, but often enough that it made her guilty, if Kirito dreamed about SAO as well. Did he want it back, even just a little bit?

Selfish, she told herself, you still have him, he's there for you, and so is everybody else.

But…

Somehow, she wanted him to want it back.

She wanted Kirito to long for SAO, like she did, so that she didn't have to feel so guilty and bitter. And weak. Can't forget that one, Asuna, you might get ideas about something as silly as battling monsters again, and that just wouldn't do.

There was a poster in her room. It was a picture of SAO, the great floating castle of Aincrad, and the clouds surrounding it. It was a beautiful picture that had been used as promotion when the game had first been released. It had hung in her brother's room originally, but she had taken it down before the Nerve Gear could arrive. It had just been so pretty.

Of course, she kept it for another reason now. Because it was a reminder, of her prison and freedom, both at the same time, and she kept it even though her family wanted it gone.

Aren't I allowed to miss it, she wondered, even just a tiny little bit? It had been my home for so long…

But no, she wasn't. Not even a tiny bit.

Sometimes, she just wanted to scream, just a little bit, and on even rarer occasions she wanted to rewind time and do it all over again. Maybe not finish the game this time. Stay a little longer this time…

And then her cell phone rings, and her school starts, and Kazuto calls her… And she pushes it down until she can ignore it 'til the night falls.

**Unedited.**

**Unbetaed.**

**Reviews are welcomed with a creepy smile of an addicted fangirl…**


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